CHAPTER 1

I walk down the spiral staircase to the living room and I find my mother there, waiting for me patiently. 

"Belle, are you ready?" She asks me and I cast her the 'what do you think?' look. 

I am very agitated right now. 

I am seventeen for fucks sake! She shouldn't be driving me to the hospital, it pisses the hell out of me. 

"Did you carry your phone?" 

I roll my eyes.

This will be one hell of a boring ride, her constant questions always get to my nerves. I wish dad and Elsa were here to take me, at least, I can stand them. 

But it would be much better if they let me drive. I have my own car for fucks sake!

But I am not a good driver though, I am reckless compared to my sister Elsa and this is one of the many times I envy her. 

She always has her shit together. Always.

I can't relate.

Elsa is ever perfect in everything, she is the perfect daughter, a perfect friend, a perfect student and to top the list she is a perfect sister. 

Then there is Belle, who is quite the opposite! Never getting along with people.

To be honest, I think Elsa is the only person that I genuinely like, she reminds me of Bella and that's the only thing that keeps me sane.

Those peaceful chocolate brown eyes, her pouty lips, her personality.....I think everything about her.

She is like Bella's doppelganger, only they don't look alike.

She is the only person I can spend some quality time with, the only person who understands me and my mood swings from hell, and definitely the only person I can converse with for more than ten minutes.

Elsa is ever lively, extroverted, and fun to be with. 

I am the complete opposite of that, and I always envy her social life, I would give anything to have such a perfect life. 

Imagine living peacefully with people, having friends who would break limbs for you? The kind of friends who would do anything for you. 

I can't relate, I have spent all my life shunning people but Elsa has been exposed ever since she was little. Her life is normal but mine ain't even close to normal. I am socially awkward and I don't even know how to behave when I am around people. 

I think I hate people, scratch that, I hate people!

"Seriously, Mom, I can drive myself-" I start to argue but she cuts me in with a sweet smile.

"This is not up for debate, Belle," her voice is soft, yet so fucking firm.

I glare at her, and I reluctantly follow her to the car. 

I am seventeen and I should be making my own decisions but I know they will never trust me enough to let me do that.

They always give me the 'We are doing this for your own good, Belle' lecture every time I complain, but how am I supposed to improve when all they do is lock me up? 

I am not a threat anymore and I need that exposure, I need that normal life. I don't even get to meet people, I have been homeschooled my entire life. 

I am not complaining though, homeschooling saves me the stress of relating awkwardly with people and I know I fucked up the only chance I had when I was in senior school. 

My first day in a normal school was pretty fucked up and that was the end of me and normal schools. 

I glance at my car that is parked just next to mom's and wonder why they bought me a car in the first place. I don't even remember the last time I used the damn car. 

I shake my head as I sit shotgun and I put on my headphones when I am done fastening my seat belt. 

Yes, I am a reticent, I can't carry a proper conversation with anyone and I hate it when people talk to me. I love my personal space more than anything else in this entire world. 

Mom gets behind the wheel, and she tries to grab the headphones but I swat her hands off me fleetly. She cocks her eyebrows at me and I reluctantly get rid of the headphones cussing.

"What?" I snap when I feel her eyes on me.

"Tone it down, will you?" I know my attitude sucks but she doesn't give me much of a choice. 

Without any intention of talking to her throughout the entire ride, I fish out a novel from my bag, the only thing that keeps me busy other than music. 

Books 

I can't listen to music without using my headphones and mom hates it when I have headphones on. So, a book comes in handy.

Gosh! I don't want to imagine how boring life would be without music and books especially for people like me. 

Music is like a therapy to my soul and fictional books take me to another world, a world of fantasy, and as a student of English and Literature reading novels helps me a lot. 

I am an aspiring author, I want to publish a book one of these days.

I can feel my mom's eyes on me as she starts the car but I know she won't force a conversation with me, she knows better than that.

P.S. I am always in a foul mood, always.

**♦**♦**♦**♦**

Forty-five minutes later mom pulls into the hospital's parking lots and I slide my phone and novel in the sling bag, and hop out of the car. The faster I get out and walk to Nina's office, the faster I get out of this filthy place. 

I stretch lazily taking in the familiar surrounding and I swallow dryly. I hate this place and I so hate Doctor Nina, I hate therapies, and everything about my life sucks. Well, save for Elsa.

This place always remind me of the reason why I started therapy and I guess that's the reason why I don't even improve. I look at the building standing right in front of me and I sigh deeply. 

I really need my life back. It has been eleven years, eleven years of nightmares, eleven years of harboring hatred in my ever cold heart. And it sucks big time. 

"Are you okay, Ana?" what's with mom and her super irritating questions. Really? Am I okay? Have I ever been okay? She knows the answer to that question already. 

I hate it when she drives me here, she is always pestering me. 

She doesn't know when to talk or when to stop. I wish dad and Elsa weren't that busy today. I can tolerate them they don't ask me too many questions like mom. 

"I... I just wanted to know if you are-"

"Okay?" I roll my eyes. "Yes, mom, I am okay. Satisfied?" I ask with a sneer and she just frowns. 

I fluff my long dark hair making it fall on my shoulders and partly on my chest as I walk to Nina's office with mom following me closely. I storm in the office and I roll my eyes when I see my psychiatrist. 

Nina the great!

"Hey, Bella." She greets me enthusiastically and I know deep down she is mad at me for storming in her office without knocking but she is good at masking anger, such a perfect shrink, right? 

And she trying to piss me. Calling me Bella, really? She knows my entire story and of all the people she should know better than to call me Bella.

"The name is Belle. B.E.L.L.E." I snap at her spelling my name out for her stressing every damn letter. She is so annoying I can't even stand her and I don't know how she is my psychiatrist. 

"You still got anger management issues, Belle?" She asks me a question with a very obvious answer and I roll my eyes. 

"I can't stand you, Nina, you annoy the hell out of me!" I plop myself on the comfortable couch and I watch as her lips pull into a very perfect smile. 

A genuine one this time. If I was a normal girl I would have reciprocated that smile but honestly, I don't even remember the last time I smiled genuinely at someone save for Elsa so I just glower at Nina.

"Maybe we should get you another psychiatrist?" She suggests a smile tugging on her lips. 

Is she even serious? I have been with different psychiatrists but I am still the same girl with a foul attitude. 

Nina is the best in the state and she thinks I need another psychiatrist? Maybe I should stop this whole therapy thing, it ain't helping. 

I have been on therapies for the past five years and nothing has changed. Have been with different psychiatrists until I was referred to the best in the entire state but here we are. 

This is the best that we got?

Pathetic!

"I don't need another psychiatrist, Nina," I lash out at her and mom stares at me blankly, she is sitting comfortably on a couch opposite me and I know this is sad for her.

"Belle, please, you need help," Mom speaks and Nina nods.

I doubt if anyone will ever help me out of this, they should give up on me. I already did.

I gave up.

I gave up eleven years ago.

"I don't need help," I state out clearly and the two women look at each other. "I don't need a psychiatrist, I would rather listen to music than come for therapy." Seriously this whole therapy thing is a waste of time and money, I am doing this for my family.

"Loosen up, Belle, please," I turn to glare at mom and I know she is trying very hard not to break down. I see the tears in her eyes and I notice how she is blinking rapidly to keep them at bay. She shouldn't be here, she is not strong enough for this.

"She is right, maybe she doesn't need a therapist," Nina tells mom and I turn to look at her, astonished. Does she really mean it? "I think we should try something else, you need to enroll her to a normal university-"

"That will never happen, we tried that five years ago and she almost killed Jenny!" Mom retorts, and I eye her sharply. 

Did she have to say that out loud? Nina knows already.

I can't enroll in a normal university. I almost killed Jenny when and I can't take the risk again but I can't deny that the idea excites me but I am partly scared.

"That was five years ago mom!" I snap back at her rolling eyes to infinity.

"So do you want that, it might help-"

"You should know better than that, Nina. How are you even the best in the state? Honestly, you suck at it." I tell her and instead of snapping back at me or glaring at me she smiles at me and that's what annoys me the most. 

She is supposed to be mad, right? But she masks it with a perfect smile. She knows how to control her emotions and I wonder how she does it.

"Will that help?" Mom asks trying to ignore what I just said about Nina sucking at her job.

"She needs to meet and interact with people, she is seventeen and she doesn't even have a boyfriend or a close friend. Let's see if this will shape her." It is more of an order than a statement and it is not even directed to me. 

That means, it is not my decision to make, they are making it for me. 

Again.