I Was Scared To Love You

'Tita, ba't mag-isa lang po kayo? Bakit hindi ka po naging katulad ni mama at papa? Kasal at love ang isa't isa. Ba't wala kang asawa katulad ni mama at papa?' Napatingin ako sa pamangkin kong si Julia. I don't why she's asking me that. Well, bata pa naman s'ya at itatanong lahat ng mga napapansin. And one of those is me - me who's living in celibacy.

'Ba't mo natanong?' Tanong ko rito. Ngumiti lang s'ya at umiling.

'Wala lang naman po, tita. Nagtataka lang ako kung bakit walang papa si Kuya Zack. Nasaan po ba s'ya?' Innocence. Napabuntong-hininga ako. She's a kid. It's not that a surprise.

Nginitian ko lang ng pilit si Julia.

Pero... napaisip din ako sa sinabi n'ya.

Bata nga s'ya - eight years old to be exact. But she knows things. At isa sa mga 'yon ay ito. Itong tanong na kahit kailan ay hinding-hindi ko maiiwasan kahit anong iwas ko rito. It's as if trying to haunt me till the day I die.

But no. Hindi, eh. Ako lang din naman ang may kasalanan kung bakit walang tatay ang anak ko - at least that's what I think all these years. And I deprived my son, Zack, the happiness that he deserve from getting in his father. The father that he deserve. But I guess I would be a selfish idiot if I don't let him meet his dad. His dad who—

'Tita? Okay lang po ba kayo? Natulala ka na po.' Nabalik ako sa realidad nang kurutin n'ya ang aking pisnge.

'Ah, yes yes. I'm okay.' I massaged my temples at nginitian si Julia.

'Okay po.' Ngumiti s'ya ng matamis. 'Tara na po. Tinatawag na tayo ni mama sa loob.'

Nauna s'yang pumasok sa loob ng bahay nila. Nakaupo pa rin ako habang minamasdan s'yang patakbong pumasok sa loob ng bahay nila. I shut my eyes and didn't realize that I'm crying.

Yes, yes. I guess it's all my fault. If I didn't let him go. If I fought for him. He would be with me. He would still be with me, with us. With our son.

We would have a family that I've been wanting all my life.

Pero sadyang mapagbiro ang tadhana. We weren't meant for each other. We are not meant for each other. He will always be my past. Ang nakaraan na hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan kahit anong subok kong kalimutan. It will always haunt me down.

Bakit?

because I will always love him no matter what happen.